The Emotional Roller Coaster

Unfortunately, this roller coaster forgot to go up to the high parts. :(

I can't begin to explain the tears and sadness we go through during this experience. It's so, so difficult and it's one of those things that if you haven't been through it, you really can't relate. The devastation of failing as a woman and a man month after month is like dealing with a heartbreak every 30 days. The wound never heals. The tears are always lurking and will fall at a small onset of what seems to be nothing to normal people. Anger is right behind those tears and frustration is anger's best friend. We both do our best to hide all these feelings in every day life, because honestly, you can't LIVE in these emotions while waiting for our miracle.

I always took pride in not being one of those emotional girls that cry all the time or at all. But NOW? Man, I cry at movies, music videos, songs, tv shows, driving in the car, etc. Just any small thing will bring up those tears I hold in all day long every day. I'm not naturally a "positive" person. I'd rather not get my hopes up about things and therefore avoid disappointment. But sometimes, that makes it harder because I start to lose hope. My mom loves to remind me about this and I appreciate her always bringing that hope into my life. Ugh, crying again! lol

One of the things that I hate is that we both start to feel frustration with God and his timing. We just don't understand it and it's hard to see why sometimes. I feel hurt and let down and those are not fun feelings to have. I cry at church, ever time I go. I so WANT to feel that hope, but more often that not, I just feel pain and sadness. So frustrating.

Now for the "bitter and jealous." We hate these terms because it's not a feeling we WANT to feel, or are proud of. It's not that we wish bad things for others, it's that our pain is so deep, it just hurts to see other pregnant women, or babies, or hear about it whe that's all our hearts desire and yet are unable to achieve. IT's sooooooooooo easy for most women, yet for us...we spend thousands of dollars on things that don't work. My dear friend, Erin, created a blinkie for us that states "I'm a STCer. Call me heartbroken, devastated, but do NOT call me bitter." I can't say it any better than this.

Now, as I said earlier, STC is something you can't fully understand unless you've walked in our shoes, but I so appreciate those that attempt to do so. Here are some comments to AVOID saying to one of us and is a reason we don't like to bring it up to just everyone.

"It will happen when it's supposed to"
"Oh it's not been that long"
"Just enjoy life right now without kids. There's no rush"
"Why even go to a doctor for this? It'll just happen at the right time"
"Don't get your hopes up if you do get PG because it'll likely end in miscarriage like mine did" (yes, this was said to me)
"I wouldn't worry about it, it's not a big deal"
"If it doesn't happen, it wasn't meant to be"
"You'll be alright, my struggle was way harder"
" Just relax and let it happen. you are stressing too much and that's the problem."
"Why do you even want kids?"


Oh, there are so many more, but these are the most frustrating ones I can think of right now. Please do NOT tell and STCer to "relax" ...trust me, we tried that for a long time before seeking medical intervention. It just doesn't always work that way.